Is Fear of Death Preventing Us from Living?

It appears as is if the world is losing its mind. The actions of so many have left me baffled. It took some thought, but I realized that the majority of these actions are simply a result of fear. The result of the fear of death.

I don’t necessarily understand this fear. I have seen death in many different ways and while I have a preference of how I would like to die (if I had a choice), I don’t necessarily fear it. I am sure part of it is my faith and knowing that my days were numbered for me before I was born. But I’d like to think that even if I didn’t have this faith, I could look at the statistics and know that the odds of living forever are simply not good.

Before you stop reading because you think that I simply do not understand the emotions associated with death, let me stop you right now. Death is emotional. Death is hard for those remaining behind on this earth. Death is heart-breaking. I do not fear death because it is easy but because it is inevitable. I have witnessed death in many different circumstances and it was never easy. Here are just a few examples to show you that I’m not simply being naïve:

• I have been at the bedside of loved ones in their last days. This was in their home with family and friends surrounding them. Soft lighting and music were set. The whole room felt peaceful despite the known reason for the gathering. It was still heart-wrenching and difficult to say good-bye.
• I have spent multiple shifts with great teams of medical professionals to keep a patient’s heart beating only for it to result in death. Although our efforts should feel pointless because it still resulted in the patient dying, we are usually able to extend the life of the patient long enough for loved ones to reach the bedside and say their good-byes. I find a true comfort and purpose in being able to buy time for the family to be with the patient at the end of their life.
• I have worked codes where the patient died “before their time”. It is hard.
• I have worked the ugly codes with puke, blood and many other disgusting things scattering the room. I have also seen the care the staff takes in cleaning up the individual after death.
• I have participated in the reviving of senile elderly patients that I believed would be better off if we let them go. But it wasn’t my decision.
• I have grieved at home for days for patients that I only just met hours before their death.
• I have been that stranger holding the hand of a dying individual when the family could not arrive in time. I hope that it provided some comfort, but I promise you that it is NOT the same as a true loved one at the bedside.
• I have witnessed families crying at the bedside of loved ones as they accepted the fact that it was time to let go.
• I have handed over tissues, prayed with families and held them while they cried.
• I have also witnessed the tragedies of patients in their last moments while family members are being refused entry due to the “risk of death” from Covid.
• I have seen the crushed faces of loved ones as we wheeled their father into the ICU with a horrible prognosis and having to tell the family that they cannot be with him. This is definitely harder to accept than death.

So, we know that we won’t live forever and yet there are so many people performing irrational behaviors in a fight against this eventual, inevitable thing. Why?

It was easy for me to discount their fears and behaviors as irrational and idiotic. I have been frustrated, irritated and experienced hurt feelings by the actions of others during this time of Covid. I became judgmental and unforgiving for the actions that I could not understand.

Then, it happened.

My five-year-old taught me a lesson that I needed so desperately to learn. She woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and scrambled into my bed. She had screamed and was truly scared of the monster that was in her room. While I knew there wasn’t a monster in her room, convincing her of this fact was NOT going to happen. It didn’t matter that if there was indeed a monster in her room that it would eat her sister while she slept comfortably in our bed. She was ok with that. She couldn’t rationalize her fears but they were very real to her. Her actions of running away, refusing to return to her bed, leaving her sister to the “monster” and seeking comfort in her parent’s arms were her way of alleviating that fear.

While I still do not agree with some of the actions of others, I’m beginning to understand the motivation behind them. We do not disregard the comforting effect of a night light for a child that is scared of the dark so maybe I shouldn’t disregard the comforting feeling that some obtain from wearing a mask everywhere they go.

I understand a parent’s use of “monster spray” to alleviate the fear of a monster in the closet so why should I be upset that someone needs that “six feet apart” in order to feel safe?

While I do not feel comfortable with a vaccine that has been rushed through the process of implementation, I shouldn’t judge others that will use this as their only way of returning to normal human relationships.

I am trying hard to step back and understand that these actions are not intentionally hurtful or personal and that they are driven by fear. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt.

But then I wonder, why has the fear of death become more important than any other fear?

Why is the fear of death supporting the bad behavior of some but allowing others to suffer?

Who has the right to say that your fear is more important than another person’s fear?

How can an individual’s fear of death justify their call the authorities to report a neighbor? What about the fear that the neighbor has of never spending another holiday with a family member that was recently diagnosed with an aggressive cancer? Whose fear is more worthy?

Why is it acceptable for someone to scream obscenities at another human for not wearing a mask due to their fear of Covid (and possible death) but not acceptable for an individual to opt out of wearing a mask because of their fear of suffocation and possible panic attack? Whose fear is more important?

Why are some individual’s fear of death resulting in the closure of a business because it outranks the fear of unemployment, foreclosure and bankruptcy of the business owner and the employees affected? Whose fear is more justified?

How does the fear of death necessitate the seclusion of a vulnerable population that probably only have a short time remaining on this earth anyway? Have we asked them what they fear the most?

If we step away from this fear and accept death as an inevitable fact, then maybe we can focus on the act of living. The concept of a bucket list for those with a grim prognosis was once celebrated as a way to live life to the fullest. Yet, now we are shutting people away in hopes of “saving” them. Saving them from what? A meaningful time on earth?!

I realize that this article has asked more questions than it has provided answers. I think the reason is that this is a topic that must be addressed by each individual. We may have different fears but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t real. We all must find ways to deal with our own fears so that we can find better ways to treat others. I guess the real questions should be:

• Are we behaving like the 5-year-old and running away from the monster under the bed or are we getting the flashlight (and maybe a bat) to investigate our fear and possibly eliminate it?
• Are we letting our fears prevent us from actually listening to the fears and concerns of others?
• Are we forcing others to succumb to our fears?
• Are our fears allowing us to push others away when we need them the most?
• Are we being more judgmental of the behavior of others than we are of ourselves because we feel that our actions are justified by our own fears?

I am challenging you (and myself) to do two things:

1. Find grace in your heart for the fears of others that you may not understand.

• I am hoping that this will result in an increase in empathy and respect toward our fellow humans. We seem to have lost sight of this while allowing our fears to take over our actions.

1. Identify and face your own fears.

• It may be easier to work your way backwards from your behaviors or thoughts. Ask yourself the hard question of “Why?”. This practice has helped me to identify my fear of rejection from others as many people in my life have pushed away from meaningful contact and conversation.
• Once you have identified those fears, start attacking them. Stop hiding from your fears and find ways to address them in healthy ways. I’m still working on this one. If you have any suggestions, please share them with me and my readers.