Almost Never Was

August 30th, 2022. 

It was a date that we had marked on our calendars. It was the date that we expected to welcome our baby girl into the world. It was the date that we used to make plans for the year. It was the date that mocked us when we discovered that she was living in a dangerous environment of a faulty womb. While the dates on the calendar will come and go, the events that happen within that timeframe can alter the course of the lives that it touches. August 30, 2022, was one of those dates for me. 

As we hit the anniversary of that date, I became sentimental. This is unusual for me as I rarely know the date nor the time of day. I am not overly sentimental about most things and tend to lean more on the practical side. Yet, this one caused me to pause. It was a harsh reminder of something that almost never was. Or should I say, of someone that almost never lived. 

When the physicians discovered my medical condition (uterine dehiscence) that placed both myself and my unborn child at an unknown, but possibly high risk of mortality, I was advised to terminate the pregnancy. This suggestion was provided by more than one healthcare professional as the safest option. Some people have expressed outrage at the audacity of these physicians to suggest the option of killing my baby in order to save my life. While I disagreed with their opinion, I was never angry with them. I never blamed them for suggesting this "easy" way to fix the newly diagnosed problem. It's not because I am an overly forgiving individual. The reason that I never blamed them for their misplaced guidance, is because I saw the look on their faces as they spoke. They were human and they were scared. 

I believe that they suggested termination because they didn't know me. We talk about doctor-patient relationships like they are great things that should be revered and respected. In theory they can be wonderful. Yet, for a lot of people, the health professional looks at a chart and sees only a name and condition. There isn't time in our rushed lives of fly-by appointments to actually learn anything about each other. I barely remember their names and they may remember a few details from my chart, but they don't know anything truly personal about me. You can't have a relationship if you don't know anything about each other. They were proposing a course of action that went against my beliefs and my soul. Yet, they had no idea. They couldn't. They didn't know me. Therefore, they were forced to spend time discussing options that really weren't options in my mind. 

I believe that the physicians suggested termination because they didn't want to lose a patient. It is never easy to lose a patient. Even the deceased patients that have made poor decisions or the ones whose names escape the memory will haunt a healthcare professional. We pretend that because we understand some of the workings of the human body that we can play God. We can't. We simply go through the motions and pray for the best. It is comparable to a child playing make-believe. We want to be in control, but we struggle to comprehend it when the results are not as planned. I presented the physicians a case where they felt a loss of control. They wanted to regain that feeling by suggesting a pro-active course regardless of the collateral damage it would create. 

I believe that the physicians suggested termination because they didn't have a clear treatment plan. Cases of defective uteruses are becoming more common with the increased use of cesarean section surgeries, but we still do not have enough documented cases to provide statistics or recommended courses of action. We are taught in school to memorize and follow flow-charts. Do you remember those? These are charts where you have a question and based on the answer to that question, you are directed to a course of action or another question. It's almost game-like in its nature. I cannot remember how many of these cumbersome charts that I was forced to memorize in the course of my educational career. We pretend that if we know these charts that we can fix any medical problem that is thrown at us. The problem is that these charts do not take into consideration the complexities of the human body and the various differences between situations. It gives us an easy answer without having to really think through the problem. I didn't fit into a chart. I was forcing these physicians to think outside the box for options that were unclear and unproven. This was uncomfortable and they resorted to the "safe" option of suggesting termination of the pregnancy. 

I believe that the physicians suggested termination because they feared litigation. They didn't know me. They didn't know my family. They only knew that if I chose to continue with the pregnancy, that we both carried a higher-than-normal mortality risk. The field of obstetrics has the highest price tag for liability insurance due to the number of legal cases brought against these individuals. They are people with families and lives outside of their chosen profession. They do not want to risk losing their livelihood nor time participating in lengthy court cases. This is not why they spent years preparing to become a physician. They had to cover their own tails by presenting and documenting all of the options. I don't blame them for trying to protect themselves and their families. 

I believe that they suggested termination because they either do not have faith in a higher power or they didn't feel comfortable discussing it with a patient. We have separated faith and medicine. It is a cruel misstep on the part of the healthcare system. Maybe it is because we try so hard in pretending that we are a god that we forget to defer to the real one. This separation prevents us from looking beyond ourselves for answers and comfort in difficult medical situations. I didn't really know my physicians. I don't know what they believe. Yet, this would have been a perfect time to find comfort together in prayer had we been able to do so. We didn't. We hid from the option of falling to our knees and begging for help. Instead, they frantically searched for earthly options to present to a distraught, pregnant woman.  

I believe that the main reason the physicians suggested termination of the pregnancy as my best option is because they were scared. I saw it on their faces. I have walked into a patient's room and felt the gut-wrenching terror when I just know that this patient is "circling the drain" as we so ineloquently express it. It's a fear that no matter what we do, the situation is truly out of our control. I have seen this expression many times on the faces of colleagues and in the mirror. I just never thought (or wanted) to be the cause of this facial expression. They were terrified of not having the answers. They were scared that their knowledge and skills would not be enough to fix this situation. They were afraid. 

Despite all of their reasons, the end result was that they were wrong. If I had followed their advice, we may have avoided the expense of a lengthy hospital stay. We may have spent our time in other places rather than days in the NICU. We may have bypassed the stress of caring for a premature baby. 

I do know that if I had followed their advice, we would have missed out on the joys and laughter associated with our youngest munchkin. We would have missed discovering the kind and protective behavior of our older kids as they care for their youngest sibling. We would have missed the smiles. We would have lost out on a lifetime of love from this beautiful little girl. 

I don't blame the physicians for their misplaced advice. I disagreed with them. I thank God every day for the strength He provided to me during this difficult time. It could have turned out differently. I know that. Yet, I would do it all over again in order to not miss out on what almost never was.