The Questions Parents Ask

Becoming a parent changes you. You become less selfish. You become more paranoid about the dangers in the world. You begin to question a lot of things that you never did before.

I have been a mom for almost eleven years and in that time you would think that I would know what I am doing. Think again! Every day brings its own unique challenges. One day, I may prance around like a Cheshire cat from the pride I have in my parenting skills only to be followed by a day where I want to hide my head in the sand like an ostrich to avoid facing my failures. During both the ups and downs of parenthood, I find myself asking a lot of questions.

The Serious Ones

What am I doing with my life?

• I still don’t know.

Will my children be proud to call me their mother when they are grown?

• I really hope so.

Am I causing irreparable emotional harm with this decision?

• Probably at least 30% of the time. Maybe a good therapist can fix that when they are adults.

Am I saving enough money for their future education and therapist bills?

• No. We have to eat and these munchkins do eat a lot.

Are they involved in enough activities to help them find their true talents?

• Yes and no depending on the season.

 Are they involved in too many activities that are preventing us from having a good and solid family life?

• Same answer as previous question.

Is that weirdo watching my kid?!?!?!

• The answer was no and he was not impressed with my hyper-vigilance.

While these are great questions and I wonder if I will ever have them all figured out, there are many more questions that I find myself saying out loud. These are questions that I never imagined I would ever be asking another human being.

The questions that I never thought I would have to ask…

Did you touch the dead bird?

• Yes, she did.

Is that a frog in my house?

• Close call on that one. The answer was no. The frog was still on the front porch.

Why are you naked?

• I still have not found a good answer to this one. This question is usually followed by a lot of giggles and naked booty shaking.

Where are your shoes?

• They NEVER know where their shoes are located. I don’t know why I still ask.

What is that long, slimy thing on the kitchen counter?

• It was a worm.

What are you holding? And is it dead?

• It was a mole. Yes, it was dead. It took some effort to convince the child that this was not a new pet.

Why are you licking yourself like a cat?

• “I’m taking a bath.” I almost considered this one a win because at least the child was taking an interest in personal hygiene.

Have you brushed your teeth today? This week?

• If the question is directed to my girls, the answer is almost always, yes.
• If the question is directed to my boys, the answers could range from “No”, “I’m not sure”, “Maybe”, or “What day is it?”.

When was the last time that you took a shower?             

• See answers to the previous question.

And …

What have you done to your room?

• “We were just playing!” This is followed by an exasperated look from the child wondering why I even needed to ask the question as this was apparently obvious.

Why are you wearing my socks?

• “I couldn’t find mine.” Of course, silly me!

What did you flush down the toilet?

• A miniature Barbie doll? The inside contents of an entire box of tampons? Legos? Your guess is as good as mine.

Did you put your hands in the toilet to fish this out?

• The answer is almost always, yes.

Did you wash your hands?

• The answer to this one is almost always yes. This is followed by the “smell test” where I ask to smell their hands for soap. Then, they remember that they may have forgotten that part and return to the bathroom.

What is growing under your bed?

• That is a question for The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. We do not have the equipment to provide a definitive answer.

Aren’t you tired, yet?

• My answer is always, YES!! Their answer is almost always, no.

Do you want to take a nap?

• See answer to previous question.

Why are you still hungry?

• I know that their bodies need food to grow into healthy adults but, seriously?! I get tired of feeding them, why don’t they get tired of eating?

Did you wipe your booty?

• Yes, I do ask this one. The answer improves with the age of the child.

Are you a parent? If so, what questions do you hear yourself asking that you never imagined would be coming out of your mouth?