Being a parent is hard. In today’s society it may even be harder as we have so many ways for other people to judge our decisions. Social media has allowed so many ways for us to connect with people that we would normally only see at random encounters at the store or at reunions. While this can be a good thing, we also feel as if we have to present ourselves in the best light. Who wants to read or see someone complaining about their life?! So, then we end up seeing only the best of others. It is difficult to separate their best with our normal. The pressure is intense, especially with parenting. The stakes are high. We are raising tiny humans to enter into this world and be productive and happy citizens. How can this NOT be stressful?
To increase the stress factor, these little humans do not always listen to what we say. They have a tendency to spend more time observing our actions than our words. It’s like having a tiny mirror point back to you all of your successes and faults. Talk about intimidating!!!
I find myself talking a lot to my kids. We homeschool and I spend more time with my children than a lot of mothers are able to do. This is a blessing that I would not trade but it can also be exhausting. I spend a lot of time talking. I attempt to teach all of the subjects for school, the character qualities that I hope my children will use and even simply the directions for how the day will proceed. I talk a lot!
There are times when it is obvious that I should have saved my breath. Like when I gathered all of the kids together to explain our schedule for the day simply to find that as we were loading into the car that my 8-year-old has forgotten to brush his teeth. Or when I have explained that part of feeding the animals is to make sure that they also have water only to later find out while we are the library that my daughter fed the cats and dog but forgot to give them water on this sweltering 95 degree day.
One thing that I have discovered is that while they may not listen, they do watch…….. and imitate.
This can be a good thing when you are living your best life. It gives you opportunities to puff out your chest and be proud of the little human that you have created. An example of this occurred at a recent vendor fair. I was so preoccupied with my own issues at this event that I was not paying a lot of attention to the needs of my children. There were the activities of finding the location, setting up the tent, setting up the tables, displaying the items, ensuring that I had cash and the card-reader in order to take orders, etc. The kids were “helping” in their own ways but honestly, I did not appreciate their contribution. A few minutes later, my daughter surprised me by remembering that in my distracted state, I had agreed to allow her to sell her artwork at this event. Well, I had agreed. So, I set up a small station in front of my booth for her to sell her artwork (I didn’t even know that she remembered to bring it) for $0.25 each. As it turns out, being a little girl with handmade artwork is a huge attraction at outdoor vendor fairs! She started outselling me!! She earned enough to buy herself a cupcake from another vendor and then she put up her art and was done. She had “been like mommy” and was satisfied with her day’s accomplishments. I can’t even describe the warm fuzzies that were being felt at that moment!
Another case where they imitate us is not so flattering (at least for me). There are times when I do not handle the stresses of life in an ideal way. Confession time. Are you ready? I sometimes yell at my family. I do not mean the calm, collected “It’s time for dinner”-type of yelling in a sweet, sing-song voice. I mean the fire-breathing, devil-eyed monster comes out and all-creatures-big-and-small-run-for-cover-type of yelling. I simply lose all resemblance of patience and everything rushes out in a screaming rant. Even if the members of my family were not the cause of my frustration, they may find themselves in the direct line of fire. This was happening more often last spring when I was trying to balance all the things; homeschooling, parenting, being a wife, housework, starting a new homestead, working on the new business and picking up hours at the hospital. I was exhausted and taking it out on my loved ones. Lucky for me, they forgave me and I learned my lesson (at least for now).
Unfortunately, I am not always a quick learner. It took seeing my behavior reflected in the actions of my oldest son to understand just how much my misbehavior was affecting those that I loved the most. Talk about a humbling experience! I was inside the kitchen attempting to cross off all of the items on my massive to-do list when I heard a commotion outside the window. My son was yelling at his siblings because he “had his chores to do and didn’t have time to be lazy and watch bugs!” Then, he proceeded to continue on this tirade about how they “needed to get their act together and get their chores done or we will make mommy mad again”. I wanted to fall through the floor in embarrassment and shame. What had I done? How had I turned this sweet child into this screaming monster?
I would like to tell you that this wake-up call allowed me to immediately turn things around and fix the dysfunction that I had caused in my home. It did not. It was definitely an eye-opening experience but nothing that I could say or do in that moment would be a magical fix to the problem. This situation did not occur overnight and it would take time and hard work to correct. I addressed the immediate issue of my yelling son and then stepped aside to pray, cry and reflect on how I had let our home become this chaotic. How did I fail this terribly at being a mom? What could I do to fix it?
It took time and behavior changes on my part to help restore a sense of calm to our home. I still get frustrated. I still get overwhelmed. I still yell but it is less frequent and I am now more aware of my actions than I was before. That mirror that my son used to reflect my actions was powerful. I do not want to see it again and I am working daily to improve. Our home was supposed to be the comfortable landing place for them to fall when the world hurt them and I was supposed to be the one that created it. Yet, I failed.
I am very grateful for my family’s forgiveness and acceptance of my faults. I am sure that I will fail again but I am working hard to be the type of person that I want my children to imitate. Whether I like it or not, they are watching EVERYTHING!