Why I Believe Children Should Attend Funerals

I have routinely taken my children to the hospital to visit loved ones (before massive restrictions were implemented) and to funerals. Many people believe that this isn't the proper place for a kid. I agree that these places are not for kids to act childish and can be distracting and inconsiderate. Just because children shouldn't turn these environments into a playground doesn't mean that they should be banned from these environments. It can provide a great learning opportunity for them. 

Actually, I believe that attending funerals and being present during these difficult times in life can be very beneficial to everyone. We have sheltered people from the reality of death as being a part of living on earth. This sheltering has resulted in unintended consequences. We have a society that spent the better part of two years destroying relationships, the economy, and mental health in order to hide from the possibility of death. 

Here are a few reasons why I think children should attend funerals:

-There are places where kids are not the primary focus. They should be quiet and remain in the background. This may sound very old-fashioned, but children should not be the focus of attention 100% of the time. Kids can learn a lot from simply observing the actions and conversations of adults. Hospital waiting rooms and funerals provide the opportunity for kids to "act like a grown-up" and learn respectful manners. Anytime that I take my kids to these places, we have discussions before and after the event. Before attendance, we discuss the reason we are attending, the person involved and my expectation of their behavior. After the event, we have a debriefing of what we have seen and heard to clarify issues and address any concerns. This has led to many interesting and deep discussions that I'm not sure that we would have had the opportunity to discuss if we had avoided this event. 

- A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:4. Life isn't always rainbows and roses. There are times when things happen that are unfair, confusing and sad. It is not easy to see your child hurt or confused about the concept of death, but I feel that it is my responsibility to guide them through this experience. When we understand that there will be ups and downs in life, our darkest days can be endured by the hope that life will get better. 

- It shows the importance of the ritual of gathering together in remembrance and support. Technology has provided us so many things and opportunities. I wouldn't be able to share my thoughts and views with so many people without it, so I don't condemn it. Technology has also made it easier for us to avoid gathering together in real space and time. Sending a gift, an emoji or text can let someone know that you are thinking of them and is a great way to use this technology. When a person is experiencing very difficult times, the physical presence becomes more important. It's not always easy to know when or how to provide that support. The ritual of a funeral gives us that opportunity. It allows us to be there for someone even when we can't fix the problem. It gives the suffering individuals comfort to know that they have people they can rely upon. I want my children to know when to use technology to communicate with others and when being physically present is more important. 

- Funerals provide an opportunity for children to listen to the qualities of a person that are remembered and cherished the most at his/her death.  By taking my children to funerals of loved ones (even distant relatives to them) they hear stories of that person. In my experience, funerals may mention the j-o-b that the person maintained but usually spend the majority of the remembrance focusing on the individual's positive characteristics, the person's love of God and/or their commitment to family and friends. I hope that listening to what people find most important about an individual at the end of their life will provide my children with perspective. I hope that it reminds them that money, prestige, achievements and awards all have their place in life but that they cannot replace the need to love God and each other. 

- Funerals provide an opportunity to observe the many ways people can grieve.  My children have witnessed and questioned why some people cry and others don't during these events. They have wondered why some people are quiet while others cannot stop talking. These observations have led to many discussions about how people handle stress and grief in different ways and the importance of recognizing and respecting these differences when you can. 

- Funerals are uncomfortable. My teenager recently commented on his feelings of awkwardness after attending a visitation. He wanted to know what he was supposed to do to help the grieving widow and children of the deceased to feel better. I had no answer for him on this one. I confided that I also felt awkward and helpless. Seeing a loved one that you respect and admire who is barely hanging on in their grief, is tough regardless of your age. I explained that sometimes simply giving a hug, holding a hand, passing a tissue or even seeing your face in a crowd is the only comfort that you can provide someone at a given time. He said that he "sort-of understood". I wish that I could provide better answers but at least we had the discussion. 

- Funerals (and events requiring immediate hospitalization) bring people together. I remember the amazed confusion of a physician working in a rural, eastern Kentucky hospital as he described the phenomenon of the entire family rolling out of the hollers and into the hospital waiting room whenever Grandma or Grandpa presented to the hospital. He observed this occurring on multiple occasions, with different families, and couldn't understand the packed waiting room of people waiting anxiously to hear the news of their matriarch or patriarch.

I understood. I experienced this first-hand and knew the importance of that packed waiting room. I knew the importance of sharing your fears and concerns with others that personally know the affected individual. Having that group of people sharing your anxiety and burden makes the burden just a little bit easier to bear. I have also been there to comfort various strangers in their time of stress as they await news on a loved one. As much as I wanted to be helpful, I was never a good replacement for a close friend or family member. 

The same thing is important for funerals. The visual effect of seeing a packed church, even if you never remember all of the faces that you saw, can bring comfort to a grieving family member. There is a power in numbers. 

- Funerals provide an opportunity for children to learn about their roots. From the eulogy to the tales told in the pews, the stories of a deceased individual are not always sad. Discussing memories of a loved one provides information and insight to those that may not have been present during the living of the tale. Learning about the triumphs, shenanigans and struggles that family members experienced before my children were born helps to bring the past alive to them. 

My children laughed as they learned that their father was once forced by his cousins to dress up and put on a performance for the family. While reviewing old photos, my son pointed out that his cousin looks remarkably similar to their grandfather in his younger days. I hope that listening to and understanding the individuals that paved the way for them, it will give them the confidence to pave the way for the future generations. 

- Funerals provide an opportunity to reconnect and take pride in your clan. I overheard at a recent funeral the comment "that family sure knows how to fill up a church!". While the comment may be more directed to the reproductive abilities of our family (we have a large family), I took pride in hearing this comment. The individuals in the family took time from their busy lives to gather together and show support for their own. Growing up, I took for granted the many benefits of having a large, close family. I thought it was just normal. As an adult, I have realized that it isn't as normal as it should be in society. 

I took risks and left my comfort zone because I knew that I had a passel of family members that "had my back". I took for granted that when my car broke down that someone would be available to pick me up. I appreciated, but also expected, that when the pipes burst under my sink while I was carrying around a screaming baby that someone would be there to help me fix it as soon as I picked up the phone. I have had confidence to try new things because I knew that I had my family..., my clan..., my people..., to fall back upon if I failed. 

I want my children to be risk-takers and change-makers. I want them to know that there are multiple people in their corner to catch them when they fall. I want them to have confidence that can only be gained by knowing that you have a loving and supporting family behind you. 

As sad as funerals can be, the visual effect of family and friends crammed into a church is a reminder of the power of having a loving support system. I can tell my kids that they are loved and supported but seeing it with their own eyes is more effective. 

- By taking my children to funeral services of other family members, I hope that it will make the process easier for them when the hubby and I pass away. I hope to be here for my children, grandchildren and even my great-grandchildren but I cannot control the future. At some point, I will die, and my children will be left to plan the funeral. I hope that by experiencing various funeral services that they will be able to incorporate that knowledge into planning a funeral that will be most beneficial to their grieving process. I won't be here, so the details don't really matter to me as long as the process helps to bring them comfort. 

Funerals, and death in general, are not events that we look forward to attending but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be an important part of life in a healthy society. We need to be able to find our own ways to say goodbye to loved ones, celebrate in their crossing over into heaven and to remember their impact while here on earth. I feel that by exposing my children to these events and having discussions related to them that it will help to prepare them for a future where death is inevitable, but not feared.