Planting Seeds

I do not normally share my faith with others. I have struggled in my faith and to share this feels hypocritical as I don't have answers or advice for anyone. Recently, I was encouraged to share my relationship in Jesus Christ even if it isn't perfect. So here goes:

This story occurs during the infamous year of 2020. Before I start, I want to set the record straight. 

     1. I am NOT arguing about the virus and its effects, I am simply telling MY story. 

     2. I fully understand that many others have suffered more than I have during this time and I am not attempting to compare issues. I am simply telling MY story. 

The year 2020 was difficult for a lot of people and I was not immune. I struggled, but in my own way. My faith, abilities and choices were all questioned during this time and I found myself failing. It has been a humbling experience to say the least. 

Growing up like I did in a small, rural area, I learned that farming can be considered as risky as the slot machines. The weather and markets are wildly unpredictable and despite all of the planning and hard work, things could still go wrong. Factory jobs were good but I witnessed an entire small town decimated by the closing of one major factory. Both of these options felt unsafe as a source of stable income.

Healthcare felt safe. People will always need help and honestly, I feel a great pride when I can be useful and helpful to someone. I understood science and "got" the medical terms so it seemed like a natural fit. The hubby made similar choices after we were married. He wanted a stable, predictable income and healthcare seemed like the right choice. We felt that we made all of the "right" decisions. We took out loans, spent years working our way through rigorous coursework, delayed true earned income for the proposed reward ahead. I even went so far as to earn enough degrees and certifications to have my own alphabet soup of letters after my name if I chose to parade it around. I pretended that this didn't make me prideful but in reality, I felt invincible with this badge of honor. 

Isaiah 2:12

Jeremiah 9:23

Then, came the fiasco of 2020.

I had the cocky assumption that as an emergency medicine pharmacist and occupational therapist that we would be immune to financial hardship during a pandemic. I was wrong. 

A few years ago, in order to homeschool our children, I chose to change my work status to PRN. This meant that I wasn't guaranteed a set number of hours but that I had control of my schedule. The fact that I worked primarily weekends and evening shifts meant that my coworkers were happy to hand over any unwanted shifts and I often had more offers than I could handle. 

During 2020, I couldn't get a shift for over four months. Hubby's hours at the hospital were cut as well as most of the full-time and part-time employees. Additionally, some government entities decided that some home health services were "not essential" so between the fear of letting a stranger into their homes and decreased consults, the hubby's home health work dried up. We weren't technically laid off but we couldn't find enough hours to work. 

The financial hit was hard enough but the emotional one was harder for me. We were used to the fact that if we didn't work, we didn't get paid so our monthly income has always been variable. We have had tough financial months before but found that we could always pick up more shifts if needed to pay for additional, unexpected expenses. This was different. No one wanted to give up any of their shifts and many were in fear of losing their jobs. There were simply not enough patients to justify the staff. I believe that there were many reasons for this issue but that is not the point of this article. 

Philippians 2:3

Proverbs 16:5

I was optimistic at first but as the situation continued to drag on with very little hope for change, I started to realize that I wasn't immune to the financial hardships plaguing the rest of the nation.

Proverbs 11:2

But why not?!?!?! Hadn't we chosen a stable field of employment? Hadn't I put off retirement savings and years of gainful employment to spend it with my nose in a book? Hadn't hubby and I earned enough degrees and certifications to be deemed necessary? Hadn't we saddled ourselves with monstrous loans to obtain these degrees in order to ensure that I would be safe from economic downturns? We did all of the "right" things so why were we still facing hardships?!

Proverbs 16:18

I sounded like a petulant toddler having a temper-tantrum, didn't I? How cocky must one be to believe that they were above the problems being faced by others? But, it's true. I had initially felt superior to those that were sent home from their "non-essential" jobs as I was sure that my services would be needed. It was obvious that God knew (as He always does) that I needed a lesson in being humble. What a lesson it was! 

Proverbs 21:4

I would like to tell you that I accepted this lesson with grace and dignity but that would be a lie. I was full of anger, confusion, despair, bitterness and even jealousy towards others that appeared less affected.

At first, I was in denial with the assumption that hubby and I were "important enough" that this would only be temporary. We had made all of the "right" decisions, hadn't we? This couldn't really be happening to us, could it?

Proverbs 21:4

Then, I became angry and bitter. Why was this happening to us? As I made out the check for my school loans, I wanted to scream and vomit at the same time. It wasn't fair. 

Psalm 10:4

Romans 12:3

I am apparently a slow learner. It took me a while to stop turning inwards with my issues and turn outwards, towards God. It's sad that we tend to turn to God more during troubling times than in the good times and I was a prime example of that. I had believed that making the "right" decisions would insulate me from financial troubles. When things were going well, I would thank God for my blessings but in my heart I believed that I deserved them for my hard work. Lucky for me, God doesn't give us what we deserve. I am a sinful person and would suffer greatly if I truly got what I deserve. Jesus Christ died on the cross to save me from myself and yet, I thought that I was above that. What arrogance! 

Romans 7:25

Matthew 26:28

Acts 2:38

Acts 10:43

As many of you know, I don't sit well. I fidget and fret. I need movement and activity to keep my body moving so that my mind can process things. So, prayer time for me was not sitting alone in a room. I found that the simple act of planting seeds and watering plants gave me the alone time needed to have the difficult conversations with God. Again, I would like to say that these conversations were full of repentance and humble acceptance of the situation but that would also be a lie. These conversations started out with a lot of complaining, pouting and whining about my situation.

James 4:6

Acts 15:11

Eventually, I began to realize that the activity of planting those physical seeds was very much like my life. I could make the "right" choices in the seed varieties, soil type, watering frequency, etc., but there was no guarantee that the results would be as I expected.

     - Some of the seeds would germinate, but some would not.

     - Some of the germinated plants would grow, but some would die.

     - Some of the seeds would eventually produce food, but some would bolt or simply fail to produce.

Ecclesiastes 11:6

Once I made the decisions, I had to let go and leave it to God to follow through. This is a tough lesson for someone that likes to have control of things. Having the physical plants in front of me was a constant reminder to continue to work hard and make good decisions but understand that at some point I have to let go. As much as I want to be in control, it is best if I am not. Letting go removed a weight that was almost physical in nature. 

It wasn't long after I finally let go of the resentment, bitterness and anger that things changed. I changed. The answer to our financial troubles were not what I would have done but as you may have expected, they were better. Orders for PJ's Projects increased, the hubby expanded his home health reach and took on more patients and I was offered a teaching job (without even applying). This expansion of income and frugal practices allowed us to make it through this difficult time. 

James 4:10

John 1:17

I am an imperfect and slow learner. As much as I have mentally learned my lesson, I struggle to keep these lessons in my heart. I want to return to my old ways of prideful self-reliance but those ways lead to self-pity, bitterness and jealousy towards my fellow human. I need the reminder that I am not the one that controls things but that I need to be the follower of God's path for me even if it isn't always clear where that path may lead. 

So, I continue to plant seeds.........